WE WILL: Be Animated

Reds 5
Pirates 4

fangraphs.com game chart

I hit up the Pirates game last night with my coaching brethren... bad baserunning and plays at the plate cost us the game, most of which you won't read about in the PG today. Interesting fan graph for the game. I'm too frustrated over the loss to even make fun of it in a post. Instead, I'm going back to the "I want to know..." segment that airs on jumbo tron. The team was asked who their favorite cartoon character is.

So I propose the question, what cartoon character are each of the players like?

Jose Bautista
Speedy Gonzales
Jose may not be fast, but the physical resemblance is there: big ears and Latin American


Brad Eldred
Bam Bam
Big Country is strong and he has the mentality of a 2 year old. See fast ball, hit fastball hard

Jack Wilson
Donald Duck
Jack, like Donald, tries hard but is really only a supporting character that does his job well

Cesar Izturis
Daffy Duck
Daffy is the younger, less famous version of Donald

Jason Bay
Fred from Scooby Doo
Shaggy and Scooby do all of the work, but Fred seems to be the leader and take the credit

Freddy Sanchez
Mighty Mouse
This really does not need to be explained, does it?

Xavier Nady
Professor Xavier
Obvious choice here, especially now that his hammy has restrained him to the bench

Josh Phelps
Underdog
A hero that gets the job done even if most don't appreciate him

Don Kelly
Olive Oyl

Kelly and Oyl's physical resemblance is so close I think they are siblings

Adam LaRoche
Elmer Fudd

Southern, has some power with that gun, but always seems lost

Jose Castillo
Garfield the Cat
Slow, lathargic and can't handle his weight

Ronny Paulino
Dopey
This is so obvious its scary

Kevin McClatchy & Nate McLouth

Batman & Robin
I'm not touching this one... that's what she said

Maybe tomorrow I will get around to doing the pitchers depending on the response to this post... we'll see.

.

WE WILL: Get Dirty 2

Reds 4

Pirates 6

fangraphs.com game chart

Reds 2
Pirates 3

fangraphs.com game chart

Sure the pirates and Reds played a double header last night, but that wasn't the real show taking place. Gorzy and Maholm both pitched very good games, but they were merely the supporting cast in what turned out to be "The Dirty Show". Sanchez lit up the night with a 5-7 night at the plate, a grand slam, five RBIs and providing a clutch lead-off triple in the 8th inning of the second game. Sanchez was a stone cold killer of the Reds last night. Which begs the question "Who is Dirtier than Dirty Sanchez?"

Dirty Harry

Dirty Harry identified so much with Sanchez last night that he, the manliest of men, contemplated asking Sanchez to marry him. But then he realized that is just too gay and went out and killed 5 nuns for making change in the offering at his church.

Christina Aguilera

Miss self proclaimed "Dirty" is the closest dirty thing to being as beautiful as what Sanchez did last night. She sure does clean up well.

Biff Tannen

The villain of the Back to the Future trilogy was cold hearted, only liked Lea Thompson (Marty's mom) when her rack was over emphasized, and he could not keep himself out of manure.

Ulf Samuelsson

The man could not skate or shoot, but he played the game hard and made every man on the opposing bench fear him. Somehow he only dropped the gloves 3 times per season. That's not dirty, that just filthy!

Caddyshack Gopher

Bill Murray's character in Caddyshack arrived at the country club on the short and carrying a fifth of whiskey. He then had to try and eliminate this furry dancing fellow. The dirt digger treated the drunken grounds keeper like a welcome mat. And off course, there's the obligatory connection between this mole and the many moles on Sanchez' face.

Pig Pen

The original "dirty" cartoon character... long before South Park redefined "dirty cartoon".

Anna Benson

If the woman is Mr. Met's wet dream star, and that of every player on the Mets, then you know she's dirty.

Mario Lemieux' Goals

Go to YouTube and watch what he did against the Stars and the Bruins in back to back Stanley Cup Playoff appearances. On both occasions three men were in a position to stop him and on both occasions none possessed the ability or knowledge to do so. Sid's sick shootout goal against the Canadiens was dirty, but Lemieux' feats came in the playoffs, thus taking them to a whole new level of dirty.

Larry Craig

The Republican Senator from Idaho sure likes to get dirty at highway reststops. This kind of activity in Idaho must be stopped. I don't want gay potatoes!

John Fedko

The Pensblog led initiative to make this idiot show his true colors by having callers mention Gary Roberts is brilliant. Even more so for those who have met the Fedko personally. This guy deserves every bit or torment brought his way.

Quagmire

I looked up "dirty" in the dictionary and it said "see Quagmire". I looked up "quagmire" and all it had was this picture, which is dirty enough.

Philadelphia

The picture says it all.

.

Revelations in Bettis Book

The Post Gazette has unveiled some of the stories that will be told when Jerome Bettis officially releases his autobiography in a few weeks. Among the stories told are tales about the scheming of the front office to replace Bettis and Kordell. The Pittsburgh Sports Guys made a few calls and have obtained the full manuscript, something the PG could not do. Here are some of the other Bettis truths disclosed in "The Bus. My Life in and out of a Helmet":

• Jerome was not pleased at being nicknamed "The Bus". Being a big David Hasselhoff fan he tried, in 1998, to force his nickname to be "Night Rocker" to no avail.

Pure sex

• Jerome invented the internet while at ND, not Al Gore.

• Jerome and Big Ben instantly bonded during Ben's rooking season when the Bus taught him how to fake injuries

If it wasn't faked, then why didn't anyone see Ben leave the hospital
or him at all after the surgeries? He was hiding his lack of injuries/scars

• Cowher, Dan Rooney and Kevin Colbert are all members of the QBKKK, a group of NFL professionals that are against the black QB in football and planted ALL of the evidence against Micheal Vick

See, obviously fake

• The PG revealed only partial truth about Cowher committing to Kordell as the QB of the Steelers. What the PG left unprinted is Bettis' claim that Cowher was incredibly committed to Kordell off the field.

Cowher was the Steel behind Kordell

• Cowher, Rooney and Colbert were applauded for finding Maddux in an unusual league, the XFL. Bettis reveals the truth that the White Trinity originally took their search to expel the black Kordell from the QB spot to Major League Baseball and Kurt Schilling

• The name Tex Goldstein is a Steelers' classic. Besides being the name Jerome used to enter the hospital, it was also the name for the patch of warts on Kordell's face and the name Casey Hampton gives each of his victims. Casey hates Jews and Cowboys.

Casey Hampton celebrating another Jewish Cowboy genecide

• Bettis nearly brought the entire video game industry to its knees when he attempted to murder John Madden. Bettis, like most of America, could not take one more idiotic piece of football commentating followed by a "boom".
  

Patron Saint Bob Costas was able to thwart Bettis' plan

• Bettis was able to escape the sexual assault charges brought against him several years back thanks to a freak DNA accident where he actually has the DNA of James Brown. That would explain why 3 unknown kids of James Brown have been found after the Godfather of Soul passed away... with so much free time on his hands, Bettis just can't help getting his freak on

even the Simpsons poked fun at James Brown's propensity to screw

• The most shocking revelation tears down the accomplishments of the city's sports hero, Mario Lemieux, Jerome used the money won from suing the woman that falsely accused him of sexual misconduct to save the Penguins.
  

Lemieux speechless

• Jerome blackmailed Gary Bettman into not allowing Jim Ballsilli to purchase the Pens. Bettis owns pictures of Bettman's illegitimate son and Kordell sharing a moment
  

.

WE WILL: Remember a Rivalry

Mets 5

Pirates 4

fangraphs.com game chart

I can remember back to the days when the Pirates and the Mets were in the same division and playing each other 15 times a year. Back to the days when Three Rivers would rock with chants of "Darrrr-yl, Darrrr-yl" and boos each time Doc Gooden took the mound. The days when Gary Carter would put fear in the heart of Bob Walk.

Can you imagine this man scaring anyone?

The Mets were the premier ticket to have in those days. We were rivals in the truest sense. Half of the 25k in the stands last night were Mets fans, which created a buzz in the crowd like that felt in Three Rivers in the late 80's. Without the Bonds, Bonillas and VanSlykes to take on the Metropolitans, the excitement is short lived unless the Pirates play a perfect game.

Only team in baseball named after a woman's drink

Mets' fans are obnoxiously focal and loud. A group of 4 drunks started a "Ho-zay, Ho-zay...." chant each time Mets' lead-off hitter Jose Reyes strode to the plate. Reyes went 0-for on the night. The Mets contingent attempted several "Let's Go Mets" chants that were not so easily thwarted by the too similar sounding "Let's Go Bucs" chants. Eventually the PNC faithful learned to just boo when those chants started. After all Mets fans put on a truly gut wrneching display of emotion after Jack Wilson failed to make the turn on a potentially inning ending double play that allowed the Mets' to tie the game at 3, my wife offered up the quote of the season....

Why are they cheering? Its only tied. Even if they were winning, they would be beating up the girl of baseball. They are big bully beating up a girl and cheering about it.

What a great visual. The obnoxious New Yorkers so proud to be winning that they take sick pleasure in barely beating a team they should demolish. The disparity between the two teams was beautifully summed up in one sign:

$116M > $38M
Math and Ownership
are against us

Yes, the Pirates payroll is not even 1/3 of the Mets' payroll. That did not deter Ian Snell from dominating most of the game. Beltran deposited one mistake pitch in the fourth. In the seventh I was rather livid when it appeared Snell was done for the night when he allowed runners to reach second and third with only one out, but Tracy stayed in the dugout. Tracy's message to Snell, Man Up.

Snell channeled his inner Chuck Norris

Too many minor mistakes that were not called errors (Snell dropped a bunt and Wilson's drop of a DP ball at second - which can't be called an error because you can never assume the DP) were too much for the Pirates to overcome.

For those who have been complaining of no emotion coming out of the Pirates, I offer up two instances that might not have made it to the TV side. Jason Bay missed a 2-0 fastball in the first. After the swing he cursed himself several times as he walked away from the batter's box. Jose Castillo was incredibly frustrated with himself after striking out in the third and gave an exuberant leap after beating out an infield single in the 8th. At least these girls do show some emotion.

I just wonder if these girls will ever get invited to the prom again.

.

WE WILL: Acknowledge Our Past

Giants 1

Pirates 3

fangraphs.com game chart

Giants 3

Pirates 10

fangraphs.com game chart

Great night for baseball in the Burgh last night. Great night for old Ernie Banks to tell us to play two. It was a real shame that was all cast in the shadow of the massive Barry Bonds. There have only been several times, while I've been alive, that Pittsburgh has been able to experience a truly great baseball moment. A moment where it didn't matter if it was the Pirates or another team with an accomplishment, the game was made better because of it. Off the top of my head I have seen a few, the two all-star games since '94, the closing of 3 rivers and remembering the greats that played there, and Roger Clemens pitching one last time at PNC. Being able to witness the reigning all-time HR champ bat was added to that list.

From the post-game write-up and the radio post-game show, you all know by now that the welcome for Bonds was much warmer than it has been in the past. That is no indication of how Pittsburgh feels. The Pirates entered the game 16 games under .500, and even though it was a great night for two baseball games, that record in August guarantees no fair weather fans will show up. At this point in the season only the true, real baseball fans are in attendance. 24,000 walked through the blue gates at PNC last night, almost all of them there because they were Barry Bonds' fans or they were there to appreciate the game.

Bonds' used his weak arm to throw everyone another curve by inserting himself into the first game's lineup, only minutes before the game was to begin. Most fans missed the opportunity to cheer/boo his first at-bat because of that. That opportunity was given again following an incredibly short, generic and lame video "tribute" to Bonds. I was a little surprised how long Bonds took the field as a curtain call to all those cheering. Even more surprising, nothing was thrown at him.

Due to work and the great efficient game Maholm was throwing, I missed the first three innings of the first game. Since I missed all of the offense, there is not much to comment on. Maholm was lights out in backing the great outing by Gorzy. My game compatriot, awed out how awful Maholm made the Giants look, cleverly pointed out the Giants would blow out the second game. "No professional athlete will look that bad and not make up for it in the next game". He should be sitting in front of a crystal ball and be charging $20 bucks a reading at state fairs with that kind of prognosticating.

Game two was a story of defense, even though the lop-sided score might indicate otherwise. Shane Youman lost it in the 5th inning, but cleverly held the Giants in check. His night should have been done. In the bottom of that inning, Bautista was on first when Dirty destroyed one into the North Side Notch. I have no idea how Rajai Davis can run so fast with that huge chip DL placed on his shoulder by trading him. Davis was playing Dirty to right center and had to cover most of centerfield before making a spectacular diving catch on the warning track. Bautista was more than 1/3 of the way to third when it was caught and should have easily been doubled up had the 2B made the relay throw. You must catch a replay of that catch. That is everything that is good about baseball. When the ball left the bat it appeared the Pirates would be up by one with another runner in scoring position. That catch effectively ended the Pirates half of the inning.

In the bottom half of the inning Sugar Shane again could not find the plate. Somehow he had a chance to get out of the inning unscathed. After a Randy Winn sac bunt to place runners on second and third with 1 out, Pedro Feliz was intentionally walked to load the bases. Shane got the Giants young, light hitting 1B to ground back to him. It was a tailor maid 1-2-3 double play. Shane's throw to home, like most pitches thrown in the last two innings, was over-thought and had trouble finding the plate. I could only explain the quality of his throw to my father by referencing my 6-year old niece's ability to throw. The weak lob to the plate left catcher Phelps with no chance at getting the runner at first. Youman continued to have trouble finding the plate and needed an umpire's gift to get to 3-2 against Klesko. The gift ended up being to the Giants as it prolonged at bat and handed Klesko a fat, flat fastball down the middle. The 6th inning should have started with the Pirates up by at least one run, but finished with them behind by 4 and defeated.

The highlight of the second game was easily the mega mullet that moved down in front of us.

A shout-out to the Mullet-Era that Bonds played in here

.

Elvis Has Left the Building

Barry Bonds' has squared a round bat to a round ball 756 times. How the ball went as far as it did is still up to debate, but no one can deny how difficult it is to make two round things meet squarely.

ESPN, which has been junk for years, tossed around some images of Bonds in a Pirates uniform followed by some rather telling stats. Bonds had about 1000 ABs in the black and gold. During that time he went yard once every 20 ABs. He has had double the ABs in San Fransisco. That practice has paid off as he was able to homer once every 10 ABs, a staggering stat. Bonds hit approximately 100 less HRs in the 8 seasons he played from age 35 on than he did in the 14 seasons he played before turning 35.

I often wonder what things would have been like had Bonds stayed in Pittsburgh after 92. For argument sake, let's say he is still in a Pirates uniform today. The record would have fallen at least a year ago as PNC/3 Rivers are much more friendly to hitters than the strong winds and deep proportions of Pac Bell/The Stick. Bonds would not be nearly as welcomed by the fans as he is now. San Fransisco is one of the nations largest melting pots of ethnicity, culture, and morals. Those traits make San Fransisco the perfect setting for understanding, forgiveness, and embracing one of their own. Pittsburgh is fiercely loyal, but only to those who do things the Steel City Way. Once the allegations started swirling, Bonds surely would not be as loved in Pittsburgh as he is in San Fran. That fact alone may have been enough to keep Barry from playing as long as he has... however, he has been dealing with that same hate half the season when he plays on the road and it did not deter him.

I'm on the road for business, which makes it difficult to put together a detailed post. My thoughts on Bonds were detailed earlier this year. This record does not change things.

.

WE WILL: Not Watch Morris' Debut on TV

Reds 9

Pirates 7

fangraphs.com game chart

I think its stupid for Saturday night baseball games not to be televised. I was really excited to see what the Pirates' newest starting pitcher had to offer. FSN carried last night's game in HD and will carry tomorrow's game in HD, but are not carrying tonight's game at all.

Since tonight's game was not on TV, I know about

as much as anyone who can read the box score in the paper the next day.

From what I have gathered from the game logs on MLB.com and from the radio, Morris was OK, but surrendered a more than a few hits. Who knew that he would be the offensive spark we would be looking for at the trade deadline though? The vet hits his second career HR and contributes with another single.

It also could be argued that we acquired offense at the trade deadline in the form of JBay and Ronny Paulino's bats. JBay was at it again tonight, homering with one on in the 6th. Paulino added what looked to be the nail in the coffin with a HR in the 9th.

Jeff Keppinger, the Player no one remembers the Pirates trading in the Kris Benson deal, feels that the ex-Pirates-pitcher curse should be extended only to pitchers. Keppinger has 2 HRs this year, with one of them coming tonight to tie the game in the 9th.

In a game where the offense battled to pick up their starting pitcher, the bullpen could not get the job done.


.

WE WILL: Continue to Talk Trade

Quick hitter for you here. Today's PG says the Pirates would get two of Detroit's top 6 prospects and that one would be ready to step into the MLB rotation in return for JackWilson.

Here's a look at Baseball America's assessment of Detroit's farm system at the end of last season:

	TOP TEN	level - age - OPS/ERA
	PROSPECTS
1.	Cameron Maybin, OF (R/R)	AA - 20 - .892
2.	Andrew Miller, SP (L )	MLB - 22 - 3.76
3.	Brent Clevlen, OF (R/R)	AAA - 23 - .680
4.	Jair Jurrjens, SP (R )	AA - 21 - 3.32
5.	Jordan Tata, SP (R )	MLB - 25 - 3.29 (3.29 at AAA)
6.	Eulogio de la Cruz, RP (R )	AAA - 23 - 1.56
7.	Gorkys Hernandez, OF (R/R)	A - 20 - .713
8.	Dallas Trahern, SP (R )	AA - 22 - 3.60
9.	Jeff Larish, 1B (L/R)	AA - 26 - .844
10.	Scott Sizemore, ss/2b (R/R)	A - 22 - .800
	BEST TOOLS
	Best Hitter for Average	Cameron Maybin
	Best Power Hitter	Jeff Larish
	Best Strike-Zone Discipline	Jeff Larish
	Fastest Baserunner	Cameron Maybin
	Best Athlete	Cameron Maybin
	Best Fastball	Eulogio de la Cruz
	Best Curveball	Eulogio de la Cruz
	Best Slider	Andrew Miller
	Best Changeup	Preston Larrison
	Best Control	Jair Jurrjens
	Best Defensive Catcher	Jeff Kunkel
	Best Defensive Infielder	Tony Girratano
	Best Infield Arm	Kody Kirkland
	Best Defensive Outfielder	Cameron Maybin
	Best Outfield Arm	Brent Clevlen

If I had to guess, Tata is most likely the pitcher who is ready to step into the Pirates rotation. He was just called up by Detroit and has started just 1 game. Miller is their big gun and I don't see them waisting that trading chip on a back-up infielder. Same goes for Maybin who was tearing the cover off of the ball at A ball and continued it since being promoted.

.

WE WILL: Dissect One Pitch

Cardinals 1

Pirates 15

fangraphs.com game chart

Tony Armas Jr. had not taken the mound to start a game since May 17. Given the current state of the Pirates' offense, it's been very important for their starter to get off to a good start, but it was even more imperative tonight for Armas.

Nothing gets you off to a good start
like Steven Seagal's energy drink

Armas needed a defensive gem to help him get one of the first two outs of the first inning. He rewarded the play of Dirty by pitching to Pujols like the monster he is. That brought up the Cards' #4 hitter, Chris Duncan. Armas fell behind but fought back to two strikes. He then lofted a hanging curveball that was destined to be crushed like a young Alicia Silverstone.

jailbait

Duncan, whose physique looks so much like that of a WWE wrestler that I will not be surprised when I hear he has killed his wife, kid then himself, found the hanging curve so pretty that he would not disturb it. He opted to take it for strike three; inning over.

Look, but no touch!

The bottom of the first played out like the top of the first. Cards starter Braden Looper needed a fantastic defensive play to help him get the first two outs, which the Pirates followed with singles from Dirty and LaRoche. Bay followed by falling in the hole before evening the count. Looper attempted the same pretty hanging curve that worked on Ducan. Bay stayed back and swatted it into centerfield, producing the first run of the night for the Pirates.

The pitch that Armas got away with and vaulted him to a very successful start turned out to be the doom of Looper. Can I get a witness to what followed next?

Kingdom Hall: Your one stop shop for all of your Witness needs

Looper overthrew his curve to Doumit in an attempt to keep the ball down. After getting two strikes on Doumit, Looper feared going back to the curve but he also feared leaving a fastball over the plate to the fastball crushing Doumit. Result: walk to load the bases.

Pitch with fear and Joe Rogan will get you

Looper could not have gotten a better chance to get out of the inning with only 1 run on the board when the goat of the week, Ronny Paulino, stepped into the batter's box next. Looper still had the hanging curve thrown to Bay in his head as his first curve was again overthrown and in the dirt. A blind man and a lethargic Puerto Rican wouldn't swing at that bad of a pitch, fortunately the latter held true.

1 in 3 batters swing at that pitch,
care to guess which one?

The curve away is Paulino's weakness, but Looper now had no confidence in the pitch. Two pitches later Paulino was ahead in the count and sitting on fastball. 5-0 Pirates and the route is on.

I've gone into depth on how just 1 pitch for both teams dictated the rest of the game. I don't want to overshadow the fact that this was probably the best game the Pirates played all year.

Freddy Sanchez played like he had a gold label on his glove.

Win a gold Glove and every glove you get from Rawlings for the
rest of your career has a gold label where the classic red
labels are on the gloves for the mere mortals

LaRoche dropped another bomb on the competition.

58 games since May 25
29 R, 11 HR, 36 RBI, .287 AVG, .912 OPS

JackWilson continued to be jacked up over all of the trade talk. The fan favorite gave a parting gift to a fan out in the left field stands. He gave his team 3 hits and 2 RBI.

Mike Maroth traded in his Cardinals uniform for that of a traveling carnival worker.

Maroth was in charge of watching the guys go around and around
and around the bases like they were on a merry-go-round

I hate to find something negative to talk about on such a wonderful night, but I have to. Tracy did not manage his team well once the lead became so large. Tracy used 3 relievers after Armas left game, even though the lead was 7 runs. This included only 2/3 of an inning from Grabow. In these cases you let someone (like LaRusa used Maroth) to eat up the final innings for you to keep the rest of bullpen available for the next game. Tracy also waited until the top of the 9th to get all the reserves in. Certain players, Jose Castillo especially, should have seen the field sooner.

Fan graphs believed nothing Tracy could do after the
5th inning could cause the Pirates to lose

It has been a while. Anyone remember where the flag is at? Find it and raise it.

.