WE WILL: Jack You Up

Cardinals 6

Pirates 4

fangraphs.com game chart

Just as the trade deadline of 4:00 approached, Dave Littlefield consumated the trade of Rajai Davis for Matt Morris and no cash. As soon as he hung up with Giant's GM Brian Sabean he got another call. This one came from Chris Berman.

Who bought you that hideous jack, Chris?

DL, exhausted and voice horse from all of the wheeling and dealing he had done over the last 48 hours, weerily answered. Chris Berman's unbridled enthusiasm exploded out of the receiver, "Dave Littlefield, you just got JACKED UP!"

This pictured filed in the dictionary under "jacked up"

DL wanted a veteran pitcher so bad that he over paid for a player that a team wanted to dump. He has experience in know what a team who is looking to dump a player is willing to take just to get rid of the salary. One would think he would use that to his benefit. But he got sucked into the deal and forgot to work out any other deals.

Meanwhile, JackWilson sat stewing at home. Phone calls the day before, most likely from Vanilla Ice who calls on occasion to remind JackWilson he is a loser, informed Jack he was not long for the Pirates.

Cold as ice and still makes your mom melt

But then the deadline passed and DL, who was crying from the Chris Berman's mocking, never called JackWilson. Littlefield's vagisile moment cost him the trade with Detroit and made him have to handle a skinny, white bald man who was set on revenge.

You can see the anger in his eyes and hunger for revenge

The jacked-up JackWilson channeled that anger into two key run producing at bats early in tonight's game. If no one wanted his love then he could, at the very least, get Vanilla Ice off his back quicker than his DJ could revolve it.

Cross JackWilson and you lose a finger

Paul Maholm set out to take care of the rest, but ran into trouble in the 6th inning. That trouble was Ronnie Paulino as his catcher. Paulino dogged it on a very catchable pop fly behind the plate. A catch would have been the third out of the inning. The batter then drove the next pitch over the centerfielder's head and brought the go-ahead run towards the plate. Jacked-up JackWilson delivered a perfect relay that hit Paulino in the mit, waist high with the runner still 2 steps from the plate. Paulino dropped the ball and the game for the Pirates.

This guy would be less of an idiot and less of a mess
behind the Pirates at this point in the season

Solomon Torres, jacked-up over DL "lying" to him, has gone into operation shutdown mode.

Torres at work in the top of the 7th

Torres, some weak outfield arms and an ill-advised throw tacked on all the insurance the Cardinals would need.

The fans are even more jacked up now that the Pirates can't get a third win since the all-star break, even with a jacked-up JackWilson.

He's smiling because hockey season is almost here

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