New Arena Features

The Pens and the politicians have spent so much time trying to figure out where the money will come from for the new arena that we assume they may have forgotten to include a amenities into the new arena's plans. Besides adding cup holders to the seats, bringing back Yeungling to the concession stands, providing more leg room and wider seats, we believe the Penguins should capture this opportunity to inject some personality into the new arena. The following are suggestions we are making to be included in the new arena.

• Team colored seating really adds something to stadiums/arenas. Black seats with possibly a row or two of gold and white would look really nice. The dark seating area would illuminate the bright, white ice that much more.

• Incorporate the architectural styling of Pittsburgh into the building, even if it means showcasing the city itself. via windows one side of the building, the side facing the city's skyline.

• Incorporate the standings into the arena. This can be as obvious as banners from the ceiling (like the Chicago Cubs) or something more hidden along the seating area.

• "Dick's Sporting Goods" should always be the sponsor on the away bench and penalty box

• There should be a small window on the outside of the arena that will be open for people to watch the pens practice through, this window will be dedicated to Scotty Bowman

• The visitors locker room will have a nursery available for Jagr when he is in town

• Governor Rendell will not be allowed in the building. Exercise bikes and severed horses heads will adorn the entrance to keep him away

• The player's wives/girlfriend seating will be in direct view of the away goaltender, especially when the Devils are in town.
  

• All toilets should be shaped like the Flyers logo and all urinals should have Flyers logo cakes in them.

Now Hatcher, Gagne and crew can finally share that
intimate bathroom moment they've been dreaming of.

There should be a family friendly atmosphere:

• The Pittsburgh Sports Guys Designated Driver Booth

• A "Whack a Goon" game where kids can exact revenge on the heads of Hatcher, Brittney, and any other thugs that have assaulted Sid

Laraque has 3 of these in his game room

• A Jaromir Jagr dunk tank for the kids

The team should honor its heritage:

• The ring of honor must be taken out of the rafters and turned into a museum/hall of fame so that all fans can learn about the team's history and appreciate the past. The full list of Mario Lemieux Facts must be predominantly displayed.
  

• Concession stands should adopt the philosophy of Craig Patrick. You must barter for everything and you will either get a whole meal for practically nothing or give up everything for a cup of water

• The Marty Straka Weight room will have plaster always available so players can set their own casts immediately after breaking bones while lifting

• When you request a draft beer, you must order it by saying 66 in French. The vendor will sneer at you at first, but will smile as you take your first sip from the cup.

• The extra large handicap stalls, which are more conducive to successfully doing ones business, will be named the "Murphy-dump zone"

• The media room will be named after Herb Brooks and Colorado broadcasters will not be allowed in.

• ATM machines in the building will be named after Howard Baldwin, they will spit out money that the bank never had.

These are only the suggestions that were approved. Just wait until you see the rejected ones tomorrow.